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From the JOKIN' AROUND AGAIN DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I joined the German club in high school. We were a small organization until we annexed the French club ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Worlds Great Religions Interpret the Philosophy "Shit Happens" Taoism - Shit happens. Confucianism - Confucius say, "Shit happens." Buddhism - If shit happens, it isn't really shit. Zen - What is the sound of shit happening? Hinduism - This shit happened before. Islam - Shit happens by the will of Allah Protestantism - Let shit happen to someone else. Catholicism - If shit happens, it's your fault. Judiasm - Why does shit keep happening to us? Paganism - Shit happens and it's great fertilizer. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses? A: From chasing parked ambulances. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? A: One's a scum-sucking, bottom-feeding scavenger, and the other's a fish. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Mommy, mommy, I don't wanna visit Grandma!" "Shut up and keep digging ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Mommy, mommy, I don't like drag racing!" "Shut up and hang on to the bumper ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Mommy, mommy, I hate my sister's guts!" "Shut up and eat what's on your plate ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you here about the Ethiopian who fell into the alligator pond? He ate three before they got him out ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call Ethiopians with big feet? A: Golf clubs. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do Yoko Ono and Ethiopians have in common? A: They both live off dead beetles. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One night two vampire buddies were feeling hungry. One said to the other, "What do you feel like? Chinese?" The other said, "No, not filling enough." "Mexican?" "No, too spicy." "Italian?" "Sounds good ..." So they flew around until they found an Italian, came right down on him, and drank him dry. But they had to get rid of the body, so they flew out over a swamp and dropped the dead Italian in the murky waters. The next night, same thing. "Hungry?" "Yes." "Chinese?" "No." "Mexican?" "No" "Italian?" "Yes." They found another one and drank him dry. Afterwards, they flew the body over the same swamp, and dropped him. As they were flying away, one of the vampires said to the other, "Do you hear that singing?" "I don't hear any singing," replied the other. So they put the incident behind them and kept on flying. The next night same thing. "Hungry?" "Yes." "Chinese?" "No." "Mexican?" "No." "Italian?" "Yes." They found another Italian, drank him dry, fly the body over the same swamp, and dropped it. But this time as they flew away they both heard the singing, so they went back to check it out. They flew down and there, sitting on a rock in the center of the swamp, was an alligator singing "Drained wops keep falling on my head ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One sunday, a Mother Superior was walking in the convent garden when she saw a young novice surrounded by pigeons shouting, "Fuck off! Fuck off!" "Sister!" the Mother Superior said sharply, "There is no need for such language. All you have to do is say, 'Shoo, shoo,' and they'll fuck off." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Seven Dwarfs were having an audience with the pope when Dopey raised his hand and said, "Excuse me? Your Holiness?" The pope said, "Yes, my son? What can I do for you?" Dopey said, "Are there nuns at the North Pole?" The pope give it some thought and finally said, "No, I don't believe there are. It's very cold at the North Pole." A little later in the audience, Dopey raised his hand again. "Your Holiness, I have another question." "Yes, my son, what is it?" "Do you have nuns at the south pole?" asked Dopey. "Well, it's much colder there than it is at the North pole," said the pope. "I don't believe we have any clergy there." Dopey's face fell. "Oh," he said. Then, from the back of the room, came a little voice: "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- St. Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a stroll. He soon noticed that the fence between Heaven and Hell was in need of repair. So St. Peter leaned over the fence and yelled at Lucifer, "This fence needs to be repaired! I'll see to it that you help pay for it ..." Lucifer replied, "If you want it fixed -YOU- pay for it!" St. Peter replied "The fence is your responsiblity too. You help pay for it, or I will sue you." Lucifer laughed "Ha! Where do you think -YOU- are going to get a lawyer?!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Do you know how to tell when a family of flamingoes has moved into the house next door? A: They decorate the lawn with plastic mexicans. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One cold winter day, a polack decided to go ice fishing. After setting up his shack, he started chipping through the ice. Suddenly, he heard a booming voice say, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The polack looks around, but saw no one. He continued chipping away at the ice. Again he heard, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Looking around, the petrified polack still saw no one. He shouted, "Is that you, God?" The booming voice responded, "THIS IS THE ARENA MANAGER ... THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A city dude walked into a cowboy bar with a cat under one arm, a six shooter on his hip and a bucket of shit in one hand. He walked up to the bar and set down the cat and the bucket. "May I please have a beer," he said to the bartender. So the bartender gave the dude a draft. The dude proceeded to take a big swig, set down the glass, pick up the cat, bite off its left ear, pull a sixgun and -BANG!!!- shoot a hole in the bucket of shit. Even in the fly-bitten, dusty, trail bar that was something new - the bartender couldn't believe what he saw! The dude took another gulp of brew, bit off the cat's right ear, pulled the gun and -BANG!!!- shot the bucket of shit again. The bartender was astounded! The dude took a third swig of beer, picked up the cat, bit off it's tail, pulled the gun and -BANG!!!- he put a third hole in the shit bucket. The bartender had to say something. "Hey, you, green- horn!" he yelled, "What in tarnation do you think you're doin?" The dude replied "Well, my good man, I want to be like you rough and tumble fron- tiersmen: I came to this fine emporium to drink beer, shoot shit and eat pussy ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is it easier for men to sleep on their sides, than women? A: They have kick stands. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A priest and a rabbi, long time friends, were having lunch together one day.] Downing a forkful of fish, the priest asked the rabbi, "Sam, in all your entire life, do you mean to tell me that you have never ONCE tasted pork? Be honest with me!" The rabbi answered, "Well, Pat, since you ask me: Once, back when I was a young man, I was with some friends when we were served some bacon and eggs. I had a taste of bacon at that time." "Aha! So you see what you've been missing!?" "But you? Pat, did you ever, ever, have sex with a woman?" "Well, it was back when I was a newly ordained priest. I had a beautiful, young parishioner who approached me with troubles. One thing led to another, and we ended up having sex together." "Better than pork, isn't it?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do we know that Eve was the first computer operator? A: 'Cause she had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One sunday a drunk staggered into a church while Mass was going on. The priest couldn't help but notice him bumping into one pew after another as he made his way down the side aisle. The drunk finally made it to to con- fessional and closed the door. After mass the priest took his position on the other side of the confessional. The drunk sat silently for about 5 minutes. Realizing that he would have to break the silence, the priest asked "Can I help you, my son?" Startled, the drunk replied, "HUH? Oh yeah, do you have any paper on your side?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1st Polack: What would you do if you found a million dollars? 2nd Polack: If it belonged to a poor person, I'd return it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One night a drunk stopped a cab and asked the cabbie, "Do you have room (hic) for three six-packs (hic) and a large pizza?" "Yeah, buddy, sure do," replied the cabbie. So the drunk threw up in the back seat. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Coach: Hoss, we're short on players. Do you think you can pass this football? Aggie: Yeah, coach, I think ah kin if ah kin swallow it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Norwegian, an Irishman and a German were sentenced to be electrocuted. First, the Irishman was strapped in the chair and the switch was pushed. Nothing happened, so the Irishman was freed. Same thing happened to the German. As the Norwegian was lead into the room, the prison guard remarked, "Sure has been a lucky day for those two guys." Said the Norwegian, "Vell I should say so, becoss I can see the plug has come out of the socket under the chair." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why does it take three Cajuns to eat a possum? A: Because it requires two just to look out for cars. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why don't Irishman watch Johnny Carson/The Tonight Show? A: Because none of them can stay sober past 10:30. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why don't yuppers watch the Gong Show? A: Because it's too intellectual. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Marriage Counselor: You say you are having marital problems. Do you have mutual climax? Polack: No ... our insurance is with State Farm. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- After twenty years, the aggie finally graduated from college. Deciding to put his hard won knowledge into use, he started raising chickens. The first week he went to the hatchery and bought 200 chicks. The next week he came back and bought 200 more. The third week, the same thing. Curious, the hatchery man asked why the aggie came in every week to order 200 more chicks. "Wahl," drawled the aggie, "Something seems to be wrong. Either ahm planting them too deep - or too close together ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Irishman sat in a pub drinking beer all afternoon. The bartender was getting concerned because the Irishman hadn't gotten up. Finally, after his 5th pitcher of beer, the Irishman got up very slowly and headed for the back door. The bartender followed him to the alley where the Irishman prepared to relieve himself. "Hey!" shouted the bartender, "You can't do that in here!" "I'm not gonna do it HERE," slurred the Irishman, "I'm gonna do it waaa-aaay over there ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- An elderly man decided to march to the altar at the ripe old age of 85 with a shapely young thing just out of high school. His friends cautioned him about the health hazard involved, saying that the exertion of his wedding night could prove to be fatal. "Well," said the old man, "that's a chance I'll have to take ... If she dies, she dies." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Judge: You've been brought here for drinking! Irishman: Swell! Let's get started. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The rich ex-aggie reluctantly sent his son to Rice. In his first year the son got a girl in trouble, so the fast thinking lad sent his dad a letter, saying that a professor at Rice could teach Ol' Yeller to talk for $1,000. Impressed, the ex-aggie sent the money and Ol' Yeller to his son. A few months later, the son committed the same indiscretion so he wrote his dad a letter, saying the professor wanted to teach the dog to read. Again the ex-aggie came through with the money. At the end of the year, the rich ex- aggie met his son at the backyard heliport. Lo and behold, there was the son, but no Ol' Yeller! "Where's thuh dawg, son?" inquired the rich Texan. "Yah know, Paw," said the son, "two nights ago Ol' Yeller and I were having a chat while he was reading thuh paper. I said it sure would be good to come bak home, and Ol' Yeller said 'Yeah, I miss the ranch too.' And he said he wondered if the old man was still fooling around with the French maid. And you know, Paw, I got so mad at that remark that I reached over and choked that old dawg. Before I could control myself, Ol' Yeller had died." Quickly the ex-aggie leaned forward and anxiously whispered in his son's ear, "Are you sure that dawg is dead, son?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. Mac- Dougal said, "Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The polack got married and on his wedding night the bride disrobed and suggested he 'get aboard.' The bride was asleep by the time the polack got back from the lumberyard. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three yuppers were discussing their preferences in female company. The first one extolled the attractions of Marilyn Monroe. The second said that only Raquel Welch could possibly be ideal for him. The third yupper pro- tested that while Marilyn and Raquel had their good points, he would have to hold out for Virginia Pippaleeny. "Who is she?" the first two yuppers asked. "Well," said the third yupper, "I read about her in da paper today," as he held up the newspaper headline reading "SIX MEN DIE LAYING VIRGINIA PIPELINE." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- In Warsaw there's a neighborhood improvement project going on. They're building diving boards over the cesspools. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One night the local lothario took out the one girl nobody had gotten to before. On the way back from dinner he took a detour to the lover's lane. After parking he turned to her and said, "Hey, you ever seen a prick?" The girl got all wide-eyed and asked, "No, what's a prick?" "I'll show you," said the lothario as he unzipped and whipped out his pride and joy. "THAT is a prick," he said proudly. "Oh," said the girl, "it's just like a cock, only smaller." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man in Paris was arrested and charged with fucking a dead woman. He hired a good lawyer and managed to get released. His lawyer convinced the judge that the man didn't know the woman was dead, he thought she was British. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three old nuns, back from long missions to primitive lands, were walking along the street and one was describing with her hands the tremendous coco- nuts she'd seen in the South Pacific. The second on, also with her hands, described the huge bananas she'd seen in Central America. The third nun, a little deaf, asked, "Father Who?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three nuns stopped at the holy water on their way into a church. The first nun said, "I have to rinse my eyes with holy water because I looked at a penis." The second nun said "I have to wash my hands because I actually TOUCHED a man's penis." Whereupon the third nun said "Move over sisters, I've got to gargle". ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A: A vampire only sucks blood at night. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day a grade school teacher asked her students what their parents did for a living. "Tim," she said, "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and said proudly, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you Amy?" said the teacher. Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet, and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you Amy. What about your father Ernie?" said the teacher. Dirty Ernie jumped up and proudly announced "My father plays piano in a whorehouse!" The teacher was shocked and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Dirty Ernie's house and rang the bell. Ernie Senior answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Ernie Senior replied, "I'm actually a lawyer, but how can you explain a thing like that to a seven year old?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One sunday the Mother Superior called all the nuns together. "You know," she said, "I found a used condom in the here last night." All the nuns were surprised, except one. They went, "Uhhhhh?" She went "Hee hee hee." The Mother Superior continued, "That means there was a man here last night." "Uhhhhh?" said the nuns. "Hee hee hee," went the lone nun. Again the Mother Superior continued "You all know that's against the rules." Again all the went "Uhhhhh?" Again the lone nun laughed. Finally, the MOther Superior concluded, "And worst of all, the condom has a hole in it." All the nuns went 'Hee hee hee!' while the lone nun said "Uhhhhh?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young nun at a convent had one too many sexual indiscretions, and turned up pregnant. Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order she belonged to wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret safe, possibly right up until the birth. And so it did, and upon the evening when the contractions started, she rushed down into the basement, hoping that no one would hear either her own moaning, or the cries of the newborn child. After the birth, panic set in; she didn't know WHAT she should do with the baby. If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the order, with no place for food or shelter. Knowing that the Mother Superior was a wise woman, and also having no other options, she placed the baby in a basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother's room in the pre-dawn hours. She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers. At sunrise, the Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just waking from a nap. She quickly looked over the side of her bed, at the child in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful look, and dejectedly sighed, "Oh, God! You can't even trust your own finger any more!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just before the big wedding day a groom's friends decided to throw him a stag party. After many drinks, a naked girl jumped out of the big cake and started dancing with the groom. The inebriated groom soon fell and broke his woody on the floor. His buddies rushed him to the hospital where a doctor examined the groom's injury. The doctor concluded that the groom had, in layman's terms, fractured his penis. "Doc! Doc! That can't be true! I'm getting married tommorow; what about my honeymoon?" "Well Mr. Smith, the only thing that I can do is splint it. The swelling should go down in a couple of days." And the doctor proceeded to take four tongue depressors, placing one on each side of the groom's now crooked penis, and taped around the whole affair to keep it all in place. The next day, the wedding went off without a hitch. When the newlyweds got to the hotel that night, the groom quickly excused himself into the bathroom. After an hour, he finally emerged from the bathroom with his pajama bottoms on - he still was not sure what to say. As he entered the bedroom he was greeted by the sight of his new bride lying spread eagled on the bed. "Here you go sweetheart," she cooed, "Pure untouched virgin wool - Unseen by any man except you." "You think yours is new," he said whipping off his pajama bottoms, "Mine is so new it's still in the crate!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many critters can you find in a pair of panty hose? A: Ten little piggies, two calves, one ass and one beaver - they're still looking for the fish. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's been so long since I had any, the crack of dawn makes me horny. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you know there was a book written about the leper navy? It's called "All Hands On Deck." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man was golfing, and everything was going the usual way for his game, when he came to the 16th hole and had a hole in one! As he reached in the hole to get his ball, out came a genie. The genie said "I grant you one wish." The man didn't take long to make his request, "I'd like to have the the biggest cock in the world." POOF! His cock became so long that it drug behind him two feet. He was so stunned by this that he couldn't go on with his golf game. He went back to the clubhouse dragging his cock behind him. Everyone in the clubhouse stared at him as he made his way to see the pro. "Look what happened to me on the 16th hole!" he yelled at the club pro. After explaining to the pro what had caused his elongated 'putter,' the golfer asked the pro what he thought he could do to remedy the situation. "Why don't you take this bucket of balls and go back to the 16th hole and try to get another hole-in-one. Maybe then you'll get the genie back and he can help you." So off the golfer went to the 16th hole. After hours of hitting balls and not even coming close to getting a hole-in-one, lightning finally struck twice. Just as the golfer reached in to retrieve his golf ball, out popped the genie. "Don't tell me," said the genie, "I think I know what you want this time. You want your cock shrunk back to normal, right?" "No!" the golfer replied, "I want you to make my legs longer!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A yuppie was driving his BMW on a windy mountain road when an oncoming car took a turn wide and clipped the left side of his car. His arm, which had been hanging out the window, was cut off. The yuppie stopped, jumped from his car and began screaming, "My BMW! My BMW!" A passing trucker stopped to help and noticed the yuppie's laments. "Hey buddy!" the trucker shouted, "Can't you see your arm's been torn off?" The yuppie paused, noticed the trucker was correct and began shouting, ""My Rolex! My Rolex!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- "To do, is to be." - Socrates "To be, is to do." - Sartre "Do-be-do-be-do." - Sinatra ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him. "Show him right in!" the lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was being ushered in the lawyer had an idea. He quickly picked up the phone and shouted into it "... and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!" Slamming the phone down, he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones, "Good Morning, what can I do for you?" "I'm from the phone company" Mr. Jones replied, "I'm here to connect your phone." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- My favorite answer to 'Were you sleeping?' is "That's okay, I had to get up to answer the phone anyway." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man approached a stunning blonde at a party. After introducing himself and engaging in some friendly conversation, he asked her, "Would you be willing to sleep with me for ten thousand dollars?" The woman was taken aback by the question, but after a few minutes' thought replied, "Yes, I think I would." The man then asked her, "Well then, would you sleep with me for fifty dollars?" The woman was shocked and replied indignantly, "What do you think I am?!" "We've established that," the man said, "Now we're negotiating the price!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's 6.9? A: A good time interrupted by a period. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do elephants have red balls? A: So they can hide in cherry trees. Q: What's the most horrible sound in the jungle? A: Girraffes eating cherries. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- At the turn of the century, a cowboy was riding across the New Mexico desert heading for Phoenix. He rode over a hill and saw an Indian lying on the ground, naked with a hard on. Being a curious type, the cowboy rode over to the Indian and asked just what he was doing. The Indian replied, "Me tellum time." The cowboy was doubtful that the Indian could really tell the time, so he asked, "What time is it?" The Indian replied that it was 10:05 in the morning. The cowboy pulled out his pocket watch and sure enough it was exactly 10:15! The stunned could do nothing but continue his ride west. That afternoon the cowboy saw another Indian lying on the ground, naked with a hard on. He rode up and asked "Injun, what are you doing laying there on the ground?" The second Indian replied, "Me tellum time." The cowboy was sure that this one was lying, but to humor him he said, "Okay, what time is it?" The second indian said was about 3:45 in the afternoon. The cowboy again looked at his pocket watch and sure enough it was exactly 3:45! The now incredulous cowboy continued his ride west. Near sunset the cowboy spied yet another Indian laying on his back. But this third indian was vigorously masturbating. The cowboy rode up to him and said "I know you ain't telling the time, so just what in tarnation do you think you're doing?" The third Indian replied, "Me no tellum time - me windum clock!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a very cold dwarf with a hard-on? A: A frigid midget with a frigid digit. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three travelling salesmen had car trouble out in Kansas, so they walked to a farmer's house. "The nearest gas station with a phone is 50 miles from here," said the farmer, "but you can stay tonight in the guest room - just don't stick your dicks in the three holes your bathroom wall." The salesmen agreed, and went to their room. That night curiosity got the better of them. The first salesman went for it. "Wow, this is great! It's the best I've ever had!" moaned the first salesman. Hearing this, the second guy stepped up next to the first and stuck his dick in the second hole. After a few strokes, the second salesman said, "It's not great, but better than nothin'." Hearing this the third salesman had to check things out for himself. The third salesman had no sooner stuck his dick in the third hole than he began screaming uncontrollably. In less than a minute, the farmer burst into their room. The first salesman asked the farmer what was in the holes."Well," replied the farmer, "the first one is my daughter, the second one is my cow, and the third one is my milking machine - but don't worry, it cuts off after 55 gallons ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is a vagina? A: It's the box a penis comes in. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is a Kotex? A: A manhole cover. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- On their wedding night, Bob and Alice were in the honeymoon suite getting undressed for the big occiasion. Bob turned to Alice and said, "I have to be honest with you sweetheart, I have never done this before" Alice replied "Don't worry Bob; I'll guide you through it." So Alice laid on the bed and parted her legs. Pointing to her womanhood, Alice told Bob to insert his penis here when it gets hard. Bob looked at Alice, and said, "No way! My grandmother told me to stay away from those things 'cause they got teeth and they bite!" Alice laughed, and said, "Oh, they do not! Here, take a real close look. Do you see any teeth in there?" Bob got real close and took a long, hard, look. Lifting his head, he replied, "Of course there's no teeth in there, what did you expect with those rotten gums?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- INDOOR GOLF 1. Each player will furnish is own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls. 2. The course to be played must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. 4. For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the stiffness of the shaft before play begins. 5. Course owners have the right to restrict the length of the club in order to avoid damage to the hole. 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7. It is normally considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arriving at the course. The experienced player will usually admire the entire course, with special attention to the well formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention any other courses they have played. Upset owners have been know to damage players' equipment for this reason. 9. Players should assure themselves that the match has been properly scheduled - especially on a course being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to get irate if they find someone else playing what they considered their own private course. 10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape for play at all times. Some owners may be embarrassed if their course is temporarily under repair. The player is advised to use tact in this determination. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. 11. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. 12. Course owners shall be the judge as to who is the best player. It is considered bad form for a player to reveal his score, or even that he even played the course, to other players. Players who have contracted for exclusive rights to play a private course are cautioned that information reaching the owner that the player has played some other course, may result in the contract being canceled and a suit for damages instituted. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A polish couple got married. On their wedding night they couldn't figure out how to have sex. So the woman said to her husband, "Dear, go to the doctor tomorrow and ask him how we can have sex." The next day the polack went to the doctor and said, "Doc, how do my wife and I have sex?" The doctor told him, "Son, I want you to go home and stick the longest thing you've got up the hairiest thing she's got." That night the polack went home and practiced what the doctor recommended - he stuck his nose up her armpit. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- An aggie decided to celebrate his latest gusher by going to the nearest bar. When he walked in, the aggie noticed a stunning young woman at the end of the bar; he asked the bartender to send her a drink. The bartender warned the aggie, "You don't want to get involved with her." "Why not?" said the aggie. "Because she's a Lesbian!" the bartender said. "That don't bother me!" exclaimed the aggie as he made his way to young woman's table. Taking a seat, he asked her, "So, what part of Lesbia are you from?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do Mexican cars have small steering wheels?? A: So they can drive them with handcuffs on. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Having just finished his meal, the restaraunt customer was eagerly looking forward to enjoying a good cup of coffee before he left. As the waiter returned from the kitchen, the customer noticed that the waiter was holding the cup in such a way that his thumb curled over the rim of the cup and was actually submerged in the brew. The customer was irate, exclaiming, "What the hell are you doing with your thumb in my coffee?!" The waiter looked surprised, and somewhat embarassed, and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but I have arthritis in my thumb - really bad, you see - and I wasn't even conscious of having my thumb in your coffee. The warmth, you see, makes it feel SO much better and ..." The customer cut the babbling waiter off, "If it's warmth you want, why don't you just stick your thumb up your ass?!" The waiter replied, "Oh, I do - when I'm in the kitchen!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day a man was playing golf by himself. He hit a tee shot into a sand trap. While looking for his ball, he unearthed an antique lamp. He dusted it off and a genie appeared. With a raised hand, the golfer stopped the genie, saying, "I don't want anything. I'm happy with life as it is." No matter what the genie said, the golfer could not be convinced to make even one wish. The golfer played on, but the genie, having much experience in these matters, knew what every man wants. The genie gave the golfer health, wealth and a great sex life. A year later, the same man hit his golf ball into the same sand trap. Looking for his ball, he again found the lamp. As soon as the golfer picked up the lamp, the genie appeared. The man again stopped the genie. The genie said, "Then, sir, please grant ME a wish and answer some questions." The golfer agreed. "How is your health?" asked the genie. "Unusually good this past year," said the man. Feeling better, the genie asked, "How about your finances?" "I won the lottery several months ago," said the golfer. "Excellent!" beamed the genie, "And how is your love life?" "Not that it is any of your business," said the man, "But I get it about twice a week." "Is that all?" asked the disappointed genie. "Well," said the golfer, "I don't know about you, but I think that is pretty darn good for a priest in a small parish!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why were there only 5000 Mexicans at the Alamo? A: Thats all that they could fit in the back of the pick-up truck. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does P.M.S. really stand for? A: Punish the Male Species. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- TOP TEN MOTHER'S DAY GIFTS AVAILABLE IN TIMES SQUARE 10. Rolling pin vibrator 9. "World's Greatest Mom" crack pipe 8. A lovely silk robe shoplifted from Saks 7. Videocassette of the movie "Danish Moms" 6. A guy who'll do anything for fifty bucks 5. Necklace of human ears 4. Car stereo (with minor crowbar damage) 3. Combination brass knuckes/cheese slicer 2. Gift certificate good for one brutal beating 1. Inflatable Dad ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- PENNY'S LAW You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool Mom. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the DA drop the charges against Pee Wee Herman? A: He couldn't get it to stand up in court ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How did copper wire get invented? A: Two jews got it a fight over a penny. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes always poof their hair up so high? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do historians know Abe Lincoln was Jewish? A: Because he was shot in the temple. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once upon a time Little Red Riding Hood decided to visit her grandmother. Red took a basket with everything she needed and set out on her trip through the forest. While she was happily skipping along the forest trail, she came across a very friendly squirrel. When the squirrel learned that she was on her way to see her grandmother, the squirrel said, "But you have to be very, very careful! The Big Bad Wolf is looking for you and he says that he will lick your titties! Little Red told the squirrel, "I'm not afraid, besides, I have a gun in my basket!" A little further down the trail, Red came across a rabbit. The rabbit told her the same thing. "Don't go to your grandmothers house, because the Big Bad Wolf will be waiting for you and he wants to lick your titties!" Little Red told the rabbit, "I'm not afraid, besides, I have a gun in my basket!" Little Red Riding Hood skipped on down the forest trail. When she got to her grandmother's house she met the Big Bad Wolf. He said, "Hello there, Red! I'm glad you are here, because I'm going to lick your titties!" Little Red looked bravely at the Big Bad Wolf and said, "I have a gun in my basket, your not going to lick my titties! You are going to do like the book said and you are going to EAT ME!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes stick their heads out the windows of moving cars? A: To refuel their heads. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the blonde say when her boyfriend blew in her ear? A: Thanks for the refill. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- MORE OXYMORONS ... helicopter with an ejection seat. ... submarine with a screen door. ... solar powered nightlight. ... condom with air holes. ... government efficiency. ... infatable dart board. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yesterday I looked out my backyard into my neighbor's backyard and I saw a penguin walking around the yard. So, I called my neighbor and said, "Do you know that you have a penguin in your back yard?" He said, "Yes, I know; what do you think I should do about it?" I said, "Why don't you take it to the zoo." The next day I looked out my backyard again and the penguin was still in my neighbor's backyard, so I called him up again and said, "Hey, I thought you took that penguin to the zoo?" He said, "I did, and we had so much fun that today I am taking him to the beach ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A preacher was giving a lecture on temperance to an unruly audience in an Old West mining camp. "Look," he said, "I put a worm in a glass of water and it's still alive. I put another worm in a glass of alcohol and it died right away. What does that tell you?" "Easy," responded a voice from the back, "If you don't want worms, drink liquor!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do two hardware technicians insult each other? A: "Your motherboard!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear that Oscar Meyer signed Jeffrey Dahmer to an endorsement deal? He sings a lunchtime song on the way to the fridge: "My bologna has a first name, it's R-O-G-E-R. My bologna has a second name it's ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a cheap male prostitute with no arms or legs? A: Humphrey. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7 MOST IMPORTANT MEN IN A WOMEN'S LIFE Doctor, because he says, "Take off all your clothes." Dentist, because he says, "Open wide." Milkman, because he says, "Do you want it in front or back?" Hairdresser, because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?" Interior decorator, because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it." Banker, because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest." Engineer, because he says, "Don't worry, I'll stretch it to fit." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How did Pee-Wee Herman die? A: He had a stroke. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- President Bush called Dan Quayle into his office. Bush said, "Dan, I want you to go on a fact finding mission to Central America." "Ok," Dan replied. So, Dan went back to his office and said to his secretary, "Will you please book me a flight to Ohio?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- It is said that woman is the greatest thing that God ever created; then why did he have to give her a mouth and ruin it all? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you know when you walk into a gay church? A: Only half the men are kneeling. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you screw a fat chick? A: Flip through the folds of fat until you find the one that smells like shit, then go back one. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dirty Ernie had been picking up some bad language by hanging out at the construction site down the street. His mother was very upset by this and asked Ernie Senior to reprimand him. "I heard you've been using some pretty bad language son," said Ernie Senior, "Go get me a switch." Dirty Ernie replied, "Fuck you, thats the electrician's job!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fred was worried about going to the doctor for an examination. He wasn't looking forward to the prostate exam so he asked a friend, Bob, who had recently had one, what it was like. "Not that bad," said Bob, "The doctor asked me to drop my pants and bend over the table. Then he put his hand on my hip and stuck this long ... Hey! He had both hands on my hips ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION PLEASE! 1. Make a fist out of your hand 2. Loosen it a little Q: What do you get? A: Pee-Wee's Playhouse. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Scotsman took a hot Irish babe out in a taxi. She was so good looking that he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did God make man first? A: Because he didn't want to be told how to do it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear? A: See if there is any dandruff on her shoes. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I heard the other day that Buddha walked up to a hotdog stand and asked if they could make him One with Everything. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a posi- tion as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was interviewed next, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consulta- tion with the United States Bureau of Standards, and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked, "How much do you want it to be?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low-grade Motel 6-type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palacial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somehwat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accomodations." St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers? A: No. Reply: Good! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- From the JOKIN' AROUND AGAIN DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159.